I: BWAAAAA. I'm dying @ the Hanson dolls. Are they REAL DOLLS?!? Also, we need to get together, wear Hanson scarves and drink Hanson coffee.

L: I bet Hanson coffee tastes like poopie shit. What the Jesus jumped up fiddlin' Christ is up with those DOLLS? Really? Is it necessary? I can't even hope for Real Hanson Dolls--their fineness has plummeted too, too far, especially with this. Are they going to be Ken-doll-esque so they can go to the Barbie Dream House with the Jason Priestly and Luke Perry dolls and whoever else was RIDONCULOUS enough to make a doll of themselves? Will all my Barbies become impregnated if they're within ten feet of the Taylor doll?

I: Will the zac doll include horrible half-grown facial hair and swarming gnats? If you pull a string will it make condescending comments and bad jokes? Will the Taylor doll have 3524 necklaces???

We have finally assessed and graded Taylor on Foxy Academy!

...months too late. Oops. Whatevs.

Enjoy yourselves!: The New Waywards: The Forum

--L.

Hello, y'all! Yes, it is I&L, back from the dead, but not really. This post is just serving as an entry so you can make your fresh new comments. We know this post may feel like a deadbeat dad who hasn't been around for you and then shows up at your sixteenth birthday party (totally drunk, btw) for all five minutes before saying he's gotta go, he has a date with someone two years older than you. We're totally out of the Hanson loop--Tinted Windows was like the Hanson apocalypse--or was that when Alan killed Zac a while back? Hmm.

But I really like sprklstarlet's idea of making TNW community, though...hmm some more. Consider it in the works!

--L.

I: Did you enjoy the ZacHanson video? Yeah, I hardly listened to it because his speaking voice has always annoyed me. It's super nasally so I tried to block it out and determine whether or not he was fine. I guess it's all relative now. He's finer than the Fat Mexican Rat pic! BWA. But who isn't? Carrottop is finer than the FMR pic.

L: That Zac video would've been finer if he weren't himself. And, like I said, if we hadn't been tracking his status and instead just randomly turned on the TV and saw him and were like, "Zac Hanson? Those guys are still around?" like 99 percent of America does. Then I would've thought "He grew up and got fine!" only because I wouldn't have known better. Ignorance really IS bliss!

I: Yeah, yeah, I know re: Z.Han. We cast away his hawtness forever so there's no po1nt in being hopeful. Sigh.

L: Z.Han would have to wake up pretty early in the morning in order to fool us into thinking he's fine again!

Yes, sprklstarlet's report has been hiding in the comments for quite some time now, but we thought we'd showcase it -- it's our effort to prove we haven't fallen off the face of the earth!



well ladies, as promised... tinted windows, the review. despite being a very mature and well adjusted adult or some crap, i'm not ashamed of making my way to the front to gaze lovingly at T with my 1997 eyes. oh tay, sweep me away! we can rollerblade together and maybe you'll let me caress your rat-tail!

the following observations were made.

taylor hanson is actually in this band? yes, yes he is. this is definitely happening. officially he was introduced to us as "taylor fucking hanson", which was kind of amusing.

how was the crowd? it was actually kind of packed. this could have been because of tinted windows, or because graham coxon from blur played beforehand (holy awesome surprise bonus). there were also guys there. yes, MEN. wild. they just weren't in the front. the response seemed to be fairly good. taylor commented he was impressed at the reaction considering no one had ever heard the songs.

fansons? you know it. if you thought you could go somewhere to see taylor hanson without some of them showing up, you were wrong. i've only seen hanson once, and it was at sxsw, so i don't have a lot of experience with these girls. however, within 30 seconds of making it towards the front i could pick out about 10 of them. they didn't look to be crazy, psycho versions, but there wasn't a lot of competition to be at the front. dude, why are hanson fans so damn weird? i get pretty bad second hand embarrassment, so there were definitely a couple cringeworthy moments. i'm fairly certain the guy behind me was like wtf?!

how ridiculous did T look without his piano? truth - he was surprisingly less awkward than i expected, although as a whole, the band's stage presence left something to be desired. honestly they weren't super exciting. i felt they could've kicked that up a notch. at least t.han had a little help from his bff the tambourine.

how is T looking in general? actually pretty good at my show. he cut his hair and he wasn't wearing sparkly corduroys or anything. but there's pictures, so feel free make your own judgements. personally i think t.fat is nonexistent. however, i was barely at about 25% fangirling and left with a renewed love for my quasi-boyfriend, so come on t.han, you're slacking in the heartthrob department.

how were the songs? well, my non hanson fan friend and i discussed this and both came to the conclusion that they were a somewhat disappointing, considering the people in the band. she actually didn't like it at all. i thought it was ok, but really they should be able to write more creative and exciting songs than that.


officially this was their first show, although i'm pretty sure they played at least 2 before it. one of them was at a party i almost got to, but the line was too long to get there in time, so i just peeked at them from the exit for a song or two. they seemed to have a big crowd and T was basically wearing spandex, which was great if you wanted to have a detailed idea of the size of his package. i'm sure someone there did. taylor hanson - still making dreams come trooo!

also, on a random note, i'm pretty certain that t.daddy might have spit on me a little. not sure how i feel about that.

L: Did you see those pics sprklstarlet posted in TNW of Tinted Windows? It was Taylor and his wh1te jeans again. Why is he always wearing them? They're his new favorite thing. Do they allow his legs maximum wiggle room? Oh, dear. Well, at least you can't argue that he doesn't have stage presence...

I: NO I didn't see the TW pics. That band is such a motley crew, man! Do you think the other dudes are rolling their eyes at being in a band with T.Han once the rabid Hanson fans come out of the woodwork? They ruin everything.

L: I don't think the other dudes in the band have any idea what Hanfans are like. I can see Taylor warning the dudes a hundred times, his voice all desperate, but they're like, "It's cool!" but they only THINK they know! Oh, just they wait.

I: I really hope this is the dissolution of Hanson, man. I'm not kidding. Then we can be free of them. It's like Waiting to Exhale or some shizz.

L: So does this mean we've grown up? Are we finally moving on for Hanson? Has the sun set on our love affair with them?

I: I think I could go the rest of my life and never see them live again. We can't t1me travel back to when Zac was fine so there's no chance of ever molesting him again. And I just feel they have nothing new to offer us!

L: Yeah, I’m pondering what they could do to be sexy again, but I’m not sure! So even if they started to follow TNG proposal, it might be too late? It’s just strange how we all of a sudden got so burned out on them! It’s like we got tired of getting annoyed and smacking our heads and going, “NOES!”

I: Well, we didn't turn one down, but they toured in '08 and we didn't go to any shows! I don't know if it's too late for them to be cool again, or if all of their nonsense -- the Walks, the AIDS stuff, the wives/bebes, the self-righteousness, etc -- just added up and took over what used to make them enjoyable. It's like they made it too difficult to simply enjoy them anymore!

L: Dewd, I was looking at our fav picture of Z.Han (the one we use for the Zac icon) recently and then compared it to the Fat Mexican Rat pic, and I couldn't stop laffing because it's so drastic. And then I cried a bit. (But just a bit!) Did you see that one HS that said Zac deliberately makes himself look ugly because he doesn't want his fans to have lustful thoughts that lead to a life of sin? I had to guffaw at that.

I: Our Fav Zac Pic is such a tragedy and an achievement all rolled into one. It's like the last great picture of the high school quarterback before he gets in a horrible, horrible accident and is deformed for life. I can't belee how much we burned and pined and drooled and o-towned over that experience [of meeting him] like we achieved Nirvana. It makes the downfall THAT much more drastic. LOL. I'm laffing just th1nking about the FMR pic. Oh dear. I wouldn't put it past Zac to fug himself up to keep lustful thoughts at bay.

L: The FMR pic always makes me think that Zac is two seconds away from stumbling over to a dumpster to rifle through it for a half-drunk McDonald's milkshake. LOLZ @ the quarterback. Well, didn't we say Our Fav Zac Pic was the one we'd blow up, frame, and then have a memorial around while we sing "I Remember You" with all the other TNWaywards in the rain?

I: BWA. Yes, we shall blow up Zac's finest pic and surround it with candles and flowers while we mourn. Oh! Did you hear that Tinted Windows is opening for No Doubt? SLFKHSFLKSH

L: In what universe? OURS???

I: Don't quote me on the TW/ND tour. But it's something like that! TW is opening for some legit band, and only on a few tour dates. LOL @ Taylor opening for ANYBODY! I think that was part of Hanson's flaw. They never opened for anyone and that's a standard in the music biz. It helps you gain cred and start at the bottom and all that mess that Hanson couldn't bother to do.

L: Yeah, Hanson had it too good from the start to really being able to appreciate how good they had it. Easy come, easy go, though! Now they've become ungrateful and hate their own fans... I read one HS last night where a person was like, "I wish TW DID mean the end of Hanson." I sorta feel the same!

I: I wish that TW meant the end of Hanson, too. Then we could just file them away instead of getting worked up over the ghey shit that they do and giving a crap about their wives and kids and such. Go away, Hanson!!



Note: TNW is not going anywhere! These days, we will just be taking a cue from T.Han and focusing more on our side project (Foxy Academy) than Hanson.

While Hanson is doing all sorts of blippity blop, we're doing our own -- mostly, judging men harshly. You can check us out at Foxy Academy.

I: OH!! You HAVE TO see that video clip from Taylor's new band!! a_song2sing posted the link in our TNW comments. It was AWESOME! It was like Taylor was parodying himself or something.

L: How is he parodying himself? Is he dressed in the world's tightest jeans and impregnating scores of fertile women and musical instruments alike while having a plethora of bebes hanging off him?

I: Dude... it's a music video clip from Tinted Windows and Taylor has no instrument to play and is just wiggling around behind a microphone and he sounds like the Jonas Brothers and IS wearing the tightest pantz evs. And the video effects crack me up and the other dudes in the band look less-than-thrilled. It's such a motley crew of musicians. Oh dear. You MUST see.

L: BSDGJLFFSDKL. I'm dying at Taylor being like, Joe Jo.Bro. Has anyone written fanfic about those two yet? I can't imagine the weird SP dude having an expression other than "less-than-thrilled." What did the music sound like?

I: I thought the music sounded like the Jo.Bros but I think Taylor wants it to sound like Cheap Trick or The Knack. So... you be the judge. LOL. It's definitely more radio-friendly than Hanson's regular crap, though.

L: I'm so excited to hear this. So when are we going to our first Tinted Windows sh0w? I bet all sorts of annoying Hanfans will show up and ruin it for the fans who came to see the OTHER dudes in the band, and then no one will go to TW shows but Hanson fans and it'll be the same vicious cyc1e all over again! You think?

I: Taylor just looks so sil, like he has restless leg syndrome, that I couldn't concentrate on anything else. LOL @ our Tinted Windows fandom. I'm imagining fans trying to organize WALKWALKs and the like outside the venue. AND YES, I can toat imagine their shows just turning into Hanson shows. Hanson fanz will turn anyone off!

L: OMG! I just watched it and I'm dying over so many things! Why must Taylor cross his legs oh so tightly when he sits?? ::DIES:: at the fucking interviewer. Where'd they find that clown? WTF is up with every single person in that video being dead behind the eyes except for Taylor, who's experiencing seizures likely due to the flashing colored lights! Now I know for sure the End of Days has arrived. I need to watch this again. James Iha looks like he's ten steps away from hanging himself during his "Oh-whoa-oh-ohs." What is up with the '70s fonts? They're arousing me. Tinted Windows wants so badly to be on college radio, I can just tell.

IVEY: Did you see this??! Is Taylor moving on and leaving poor Alan and Isaac to fend for themselves?

LONDON: Taylor in ANOTHER BAND with the dude from Smashing Pumpkins?? It's the fucking apocalypse! I'm totally what-the-Christing over this. Do you think that this is the February announcement? Do you think someone's been reading The New Groove proposal at last???

IVEY: I think it's fucking GOOD that he get out of his band o' brothers. He has all the talent in that family anyway. Do you think Zac and Isaac are whining about it?

LONDON: Maybe Alan spent all the previous months trying to talk him out of it and tell him that expanding horizons is for lowlife college students.

IVEY: Even though I'm sure they're all supportive and "YAY!" about it, surely it must sting. I mean, Taylor has hit a wall creatively and is moving on, unless he's using this as an opportunity to encourage Smashing Pumpkins and Fountains of Wayne fans to buy TOM'S SHOES.

LONDON: But really, WTF is that SP guy doing in a band with Taylor fucking Hanson?

IVEY: They wear girl jeans together. I don't know.. Taylor can be charming. At his core, he's talented regardless of their reputation. So maybe dudes are cool with him on his own.

LONDON: Well, this is going to be awesome for him even though the band name is ghey.

IVEY: Does this mean Taylor is on lead vocals?

LONDON: I don't know. I envisioned him just kind of humping something while holding a tambourine.

IVEY: Well, it's still better than anything Hanson's doing now.

LONDON: Oh God, I'm actually getting a crush on Taylor again because of this news.

IVEY: Teeeeeee. Because it's 100x better than "BEBE #5!!" and shit about shoes.

LONDON: It's so strange to get excited about something Hanson does and STAND BEHIND IT!

IVEY: I don't know what to do with myself. We can't snark on it. I'm at a loss!!!!

LONDON: What do you think this mysterious February announcement will be? When is it to be made? We should come up with a l1st of possibilities!

IVEY: If the February announcement shall be true, I'm sure it'll be about: quitting music to become preachers like MC Hammer or Run from RunDMC, starting up a reality show (!!) about signing the next great band to their label (yeah right. This idea would be fun which means they'd never dew it), Taylor and Nadz renewing their vows as Natalie and ARARA Hanson, or lastly, the Zac/Kate divorce we all pine for. I'm on the edge of my seat!

LONDON: LOL @ Nadz and ARARA 4eva. Someone embroider that on a pillow. Y'know, I don't even care if Alan and Kate get divorced -- he's such a loser now. I don't think he can ever be fine again. There, I said it! I've lost hope! Other Feb. suggestions: None of the bebes are theirs, they're accepting applications to join their cult, they're admitting to being a Christian band... I hope that it's Isaac quitting the band to do his own thing. It's time! He needs to crank up "Go Your Own Way" and tell those other brothers to get to steppin'. Maybe they'll replace him with Mackenzie! BWA.

IVEY: I still want the Zac/Kate divorce! Then that'll mean Zac will FAIL at something (besides life in general) that he'll actually have to acknowledge. He's just so smug about himself and his choices and his, "I've been mature my whole life!! Why are people so afraid of marriage?!?!" bull shit. So yeah. Even though it won't mean that Zac will be fine afterward, it'll still be interesting. I shouldn't wish divorce on anyone. But oh well.

LONDON: Ooh, good call at the divorce being a wake-up call. That makes sense. I, too, would like to see Z.Han knocked off his high horse and stumble across some kind of humility. Unfortch, I have no hope for him! I feel that Zac will always be smug about everything and think that he's always right because we're all not in a band like he is. Pff. Even if he w1nds failing at marriage after -- what, like two years? -- he'll probably still be smug about that. Grr.

IVEY: LOL @ Zac being smug about his divorce. I w0nder how he would handle that. He would say that people who remain in marriages that don't work are afraid and immature. Then he'll be like, "You don't know what I've been through!"

LONDON: Have you heard that Taylor is turning into a lion and possibly renaming himself ARARA?!? Like he's Cat Stevens only retarded. I saw this on HS2 and I only bring it up because it's so effing weird that it m1ght be true.

IVEY: I did see the ARARA thing! Does that have any basis other than someone making up a fake secret? It sounds like in "A Christmas Story" when they wind up eating dinner at the Chinese restaurant and the Ch1nese dudes sing "Deck the Halls" like "FA RA RA RA RA.." Har har. I
WISH this would happen because then Hanson might become interesting for once. But that's unlikely.

LONDON: Taylor Hanson would look more insane if he changed his name to Arara. Like...why? Truly, the whole band g1ves us a brand new concept of the term "child star." They've really run with the 1dea and forged a new meaning!

LONDON: Do you think all these WalkWalks seriously have something to do with them thinking their fans are fat?

IVEY: LOL @ their secret motives really being to get HanFans to lose weight. I'd support that! At least it's a more home-base cause. Get Taylor in a sweatband/ponytail and a jogging suit and encourage the fans to jog around the venue a certain number of times before the show and then pass out water and carrot sticks. LOLOL. I'm picturing the fans as like, contestants on "The Biggest Loser" all huffing and puffing as they try to make it up the hill and someone falls down and starts crying, "I CAN'T DO THIS!!" and Taylor stoops to help her all, "Yes you can! You're doing this for YOU!" and Zac's standing there in his shawt-shawts and tank top all, "You're only hurting yourself! GET UP!!" and then everyone crosses the finish line and high-fives. YAY!! Way more fun.

LONDON: They should support fitness! BTW: Isn't Taylor supposed to be the fat one now? LOLOL @ that. They should say that whoever loses the most weight gets to do them with a condom on. BWA HA. If anyone starts crying during the RunRun (bsdfjsfbfs), Zac'll will go all Tom Hanks from "League of Their Own" on them.

IVEY: SLFKHJSD:LGD @ Zac as Tom Hanks all belligerent and d1sappointed in the fans who give up on the RUNRUN (!!!!). I love the idea of Hanson having such a sil cause like youth fitness or the food pyramid - making sure we get our five servings of fruit/veggies. As opposed to such a Debbie Downer cause like AIDS. And when we finish the RunRun, we each get a certificate signed by all of them, like in elementary school when you do the presidential f1tness test and a fruit roll-up and a small cup of Gatorade. I'm not kidding - if anyone wanted to get ladies (and some dudes) of today to lose weight, they should just award promises of protected s-time with Taylor and people would be more motivated than evs.

LONDON: JFSJF @ the FOOD PYRAMID! That's the best thing ever to rally behind, other than boy hotness. Absolutely do I agree with promising sehks for fitness. I'm motivated already!

IVEY: You know what's ghey? The Hanson world! I just checked the Hanson el-jay community and there's like, NOTHING of interest to report. Unless they're having bebes, they have nothing to offer this world! They suck, man.

LONDON: Oh oh! What about that link vintagelove3 posted in TNW about Hanson selling romantic Valentine's Day chocolates with the Hanson logo on it? They're hand-crafted with love by a real Tulsa chocolatier or whatever! I seriously can't believe how fl1pping stupid they are. WHO WOULD DO THAT?! Oh, and the candy is $25. For real real! And it makes me mad that there are fans who actually eat up this nonsense that Hanson tries to feed us (no pun intended -- okay, it was a little intended). This is more proof that Hanson think all their fans are morons.

IVEY: That is absurd, dude. LOLOLOL. I'll tell you who bought those chocolates in earnest - whoever bought the DRESS. I want to get the dress and the chocolates and wear the dress and stuff my face in the chocolates and weep at what my life has become. All while wearing oversized headphones in a bathtub and sketching a picture of Taylor Hanson.

LONDON: …while your toes go to work at creating a cross-stitching of Zac and the chips! The sad fact is, some people are going to buy those ch0colates, thus enabling Hanson further.

IVEY: We need to come up with more Hanson products that have nothing to do with their music for them to sell! I demand that they develop their own perfume line ASAP!

LONDON: What do you think Hanson's perfume would be named? After a song? What has a perfumey qual1ty? They're not allowed to name it "The Walk" -- they name everything that. LOL -- what about a men's cologne called "Man from Milwaukee?" Can you imagine what GARBAGE that would smell like? The only dudes who'd ever wear it would be Taylor and Zac, even Isaac wouldn't go there. Actually, I'm surprised Isaac hasn't reached a point where he's trying to stop these stupid ideas, like the chocolates, from happening. I'm also surprised that Hanson hasn't released their own diaper line.

Ivey's reading...

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Just days ago...

LONDON: Did you hear about how they're even doing the WalkWalk on the Rock Boat? They're so freaking ghey, dude. We need more info on what's going on on that b0at. I feel like we should've sent a TNW correspondent out to do live broadcasts of all the retarded schizz going on. She'd be standing on the deck wearing a sailing outfit straight out of a BSC book and holding onto her earpiece as she speaks into the mic, giving us live updates.

IVEY: BWA @ the WalkWalk on the boat. FRR? Like, are they circling the deck or something? Yes, we definitely need more deatz on what's going on there. LOL @ our corresppondent! YESYES!

And now we give you proof that THE SECRET works, y'all! Ask and you shall receive, from the ladies at oherrol.com...



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