The New Way (![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} the_new_way) wrote,@ 2008-05-27 00:02:00 |
|
London's 1998 Masterpiece: "Zodiac Hanson", Part 1
This is just proof that even the most awesome of the awesome have to start somewhere. That somewhere being, of course, the center of a steaming pile of dung.
NOTE: Please try not to throw up everywhere. Names have been changed to protect those who would otherwise be mortified.
1
You might have heard of Zodiac.
LONDON: I commend myself for this opening line. It's almost as good as "Call Me Ishmael".
Aside from Hanson, they are one of the leading teen bands
IVEY: Teen band!
around the world. They were burning up the charts with their singles
IVEY: Burning up the charts! I love all these buzz words.
“Crazy World", “Call Me" and, “Sunshine Moonshine".
LONDON: Please note that I actually wrote lyrics to these songs.
They all haven’t even reached 16 yet, any of them!
IVEY: Sounds like a band I want nothing to do with!
Then someone got a fabulous idea: have the two leading teen bands go on tour together! It was the great idea!
Perfect.
LONDON: I'm already loathing myself at this point.
IVEY: PERFECT! LOL. Who is the narrator here? I'm imagining Kasey Kasem re-telling your rise to fame like that episode of SBTB where KK is narrating "Zack Attack"'s success.
* * *
London
LONDON: Yes, I stuck myself in my own fucking fanfic, and I am a MARY SUE PERSONIFIED!
was rewinding her tape with old episodes of MAD TV on it. She narrowed her eyes at the VCR. “I swear, this VCR is the slowest thing in the whole entire world.”
IVEY: How '90s!
Liz, Ryan, and Shane were vegging out in her downstairs rec room; a large pizza was on the wooden coffee table. Liz was sitting on a bunch of pillows on the floor and Ryan and Shane were lounging on the large couch, eating the pizza like there was no tomorrow.
LONDON: This is the scene where we show the readers how likable and real these teen superstars are during their downtime!
IVEY: Everything's large!
“What’d you say, London?” Liz asked, tossing her hair over her shoulder.
But London wasn’t listening to her. “Guys! Stop eating all the pizza!” She yelled at the boys. “We girls need to eat, too!” Liz was only on her second piece but Ryan and Shane were on their fourths. She tried to take away Shane’s piece.
"Hey!” Shane shouted, snatching back his pizza. “Stop it! I can’t help it! I’m starving!”
“Yeah, London, seriously!” Ryan, her brother, added. “Give us a break! I mean, we just came back from Australia and you’re expecting us not to be hungry?”
IVEY: LOL. Like you trekked for days to get back to land...
Liz shook her head. “Males. Don’t try to figure “em out.”
“Don’t even go there.” London agreed, but she had to admit the guys were right. Their band, Zodiac, was in serious demand lately and they had hardly any time to breathe! It was mid-August, and the weather was just right in Pennsylvania - not too hot and humid but not cold. It felt good to be back home and to veg out, for however short it may be.
IVEY: I enjoy all the vegging!
London was the fourteen year old lead singer in Zodiac. She was the oldest of the group and was about 5’4, with dark green eyes. She liked to have fun and was sarcastic, funny, the group’s source of logic, friendly to almost everyone and usually energetic but now she was so tired she could hardly think about what she was doing.
LONDON: OMG! I'm such a fucking Mary Sue!
IVEY: You sound perfect for an unsuspecting rock star!
“Um, London...”Shane began carefully. “I thought you were rewinding the tape.” Shane was thirteen, with his light brown hair in a buzz cut and china blue eyes. He was sometimes serious, but he was basically goofy and he could go on for hours driving the band out of their minds with his incessant rambling. One way to shut him (or any male) up was to start playing Hanson’s music. He absolutely hated them! He plays the lead guitar.
LONDON: Ten years later, Shane in reel lyfe is a giant stoner with no life who would still never resort so low to be in a band called Zodiac.
“I am...”She trailed off and noticed she put it in fast forward. “Oops. Oh, damn.”She hit the rewind button and went to sit down next to Shane, who was now sitting between her and Ryan.
“She’s probably weird and confused because she didn’t have food yet.”Ryan said. Like we said, he was London’s brother and he was thirteen, weird, and obnoxious. He had brown hair in a buzz cut and hazel eyes. He played the drums and he and Shane were best friends. He waved the pizza in front of London’s face and tried to hypnotize her. “You are getting very hungry...very very hungry...”
“Ryan!”London pushed his hand away. “Get that thing away from me!”
“Fine, oh Embittered One.”Ryan said and took a bite out of the pizza. London rolled her eyes and hit the play button.
“What’s that lady who does the “Sha...you know what? Uh uh!’”Liz asked, hopping from one foot to another while eating a piece of pizza. She was thirteen and had long brown hair and dark brown eyes.
IVEY: So much brown hair! I want a token Asian or something.
She was most definitely the most hyper. She was loud and obnoxious and they all wanted to smack the crap her most of the time. But since London was her best friend, only she had the guts to hit her. She played the keyboards.
LONDON: I could cry.
“Oh! Oh! Oh! The Vancome Lady!”London smiled. “She is so funny.”
“I know. You told us about five hundred eight times.”Ryan mumbled, searching under the couch for the pepperoni piece he dropped.
Shane gave Liz a look of disgust as she continued to bounce while eating her pizza. “You’re gonna puke if you keep doing that.”
Liz opened her mouth and showed Shane her piece of pizza she crammed in there. “If I do, I’ll make sure to do it on you.”The two were at an endless war.
Before Shane could get up to hit Liz, Marie pranced downstairs. Marie was thirteen and she was London and Ryan’s cousin. She played bass guitar and had dark brown hair and hazel eyes. She was friendly and smart, and she was crazy about the movie William Shakespeare’s Romeo + Juliet (translation: Leonardo DiCaprio!) “Ladies and gentlemen!”
IVEY: YAY! 19974eva!!
“Lady? I don’t see a lady.”Shane joked. London picked up a throw pillow and pretended to smother Shane. “I was kidding! Kidding! Actually, I wasn’t talking about you, you’re as feminine as they come! I was talking about Liz! Liz, I tell you!”
“Oh. Well, then that’s okay.”London shrugged.
“HEY!”Liz shrieked and threw a pillow at Shane. “I am too a girl! Don’t be such a crap weasel!”
“Sure you’re a girl, Liz.”Shane said sarcastically. “That’s why you like that Zac Hanson chick.”Liz’s mouth fell open and she looked like she wanted to bash Ryan’s drums over his head.
“Anyway,”Marie intervened quickly, before World War III could break out. “I now give you...”She whipped out another large pizza from behind her back. “This beloved large, extra cheese, half pepperoni, half mushroom pizza.”
“Food!”Ryan and Shane exclaimed as Marie set it on the table in front of them. As the boys grabbed their gloppy pizza slices, the girls looked at each other and shrugged.
“Male thing.”The girls said at the same time and they laughed.
“Shane! What the heck?! That was my pepperoni slice!”Ryan exclaimed.
Shane shoved it in his mouth. “Oops, too bad. Well, here’s a mushroom slice.”
“I don’t want mushroom!”Ryan yelled at the top of his lungs.
“Ry, look how many more pepperoni there are!”London pointed out.
“Yeah, but I wanted that one!”Ryan pouted.
“Here, Ry.”Liz said, and picked off two pieces of pepperoni on Shane’s slice and threw it on Ryan’s mushroom one. “There.”
“Ahhhhh! Liz! What the heck?!”Shane yelled and shoved Liz. Liz shoved him back. They started fighting.
LONDON: I apologize for wasting your lives.
IVEY: This is amazing. I'm seeing a clock's hands wind in fast motion and flower buds are blooming and I think the birds' eggs outside just hatched...
Before any pizza was involved in the fight, Marie scooped up the pizza tray and stood up. “That’s it! I can’t stand watching you people eat! So I’m throwing out the pizza!”Marie was only joking, though. She knew she would get killed if she threw out precious pizza. She started to head up the stairs.
Liz, Shane, and Ryan froze. “You’re what?!”They jumped up and began racing after her. Marie shrieked and began running for dear life up the stairs.
London stood still at the bottom of the stairs and smiled. “She asked for it.”Then she ran up after the four.
She was surprised to see when she reached the kitchen that their manager, Richard Stevens, was standing there. Her band members were standing around, looking a lot saner then before. London looked at Mr. Stevens. “Hi,”She said.
“Hello!”Mr. Stevens was definitely a cheerful guy. “How’s the world’s hottest teenage band?”
“Please! Us?”Liz asked. “No way. Hanson is by far the hottest. I mean, their looks, of course, and their music...”The boys rolled their eyes. They were nauseous from hearing Liz drone on and on about wonderful Hanson. (They weren’t exactly the group’s biggest fans.)
“Um, we’re fine.”Marie replied.
“Liz just loves being modest.”London lied.
“She does?!”Ryan’s mouth fell open and he started laughing. London nudged him and he shut up.
“Well, Hanson is what I wanted to talk to you guys about.”Mr. Stevens said. “You’re touring with them.”
IVEY: OMGEEEEE!!!!11
“Get outta here.”Marie waved her hand breezily and rummaged through the refrigerator for a Diet Coke.
Liz sighed dreamily. “That’d be great, though.”Shane and Ryan pretended to throw up.
“Well, it’s true so it must be great.”Mr. Stevens shrugged.
They all froze and looked at him. “Are you for real?”Marie asked.
“If he is I’m gonna go hurl,”Shane said, paling.
No one said anything for a minute then Liz let out a piercing shriek and started jumping up and down. “We are! We are touring with Hanson! Oh my God! Oh my God!”
“Please say we aren’t. Please.”Ryan moaned.
“You’re touring with Hanson.”Mr. Stevens confirmed calmly. “I guess you’ve heard of them?”
IVEY: Wait.. LOL @ their manager just showing up in their kitchen.
“Uh, duh!”Liz and Marie were practically doing back flips in the kitchen.
“I hope you guys like them. They’re nice boys. The oldest is seventeen, and the other two are around your ages. You and Hanson will be touring for about five months or so. It’s going to be huge success - Zodiac and Hanson are the hottest teen bands in the world.”He smiled. “So what do you say?”
Liz and Marie screamed hysterically in response while hugging everybody about ten times. Shane and Ryan were now composing their will. London just stood there, frozen in shock. Oh my God...
* * *
Taylor Hanson and his brothers were hanging around backstage that Friday night. The pop group Hanson was doing another show and they were scheduled to go on in about an hour and half. Before they had to go practice, the brothers were hanging around watching MTV on someone’s portable TV.
The VJ, Carson Daly
IVEY: HAR HAR HAR WHO?!?!
, was introducing the next video. “And now here’s a video from one of the hottest teen bands. You might have heard their other hit singles “Sunshine, Moonshine’ and “Call Me’. I tell you, these teens are pretty good...and none of them reached sixteen yet! Here’s Zodiac with “Crazy World’.”
Zac had been throwing popcorn up and trying to catch it in his mouth. Trying to, that is - he was actually whacking himself in the face with the popcorn.
IVEY: Because he is ZANY!
But when he heard the word Zodiac, he began choking on a piece of popcorn (he finally caught one). “See? See?! That’s the band I’ve been trying to tell you about!”
“Zodiac?”Isaac asked, tuning his guitar.
“Yes!”Zac said impatiently. “And the scary thing is that they’re really, really, really good - they’re out to get us!”
“Sure, Zac.”Fifteen year old Taylor rolled his eyes. He didn’t really think that someone would go into music just to “get’ them - they should really love music. But Zac was right about one thing - they were really good. He was thinking about buying the CD - as soon as he found the time.
He focused back on the TV. This was his first time seeing any Zodiac video, even though they were in major demand! But they’ve been pretty busy themselves, and whenever they turned on MTV, Zodiac’s videos weren’t playing. But they were constantly on the radio, so that’s how he knew about them.
The band had five members, and the song was really good.
IVEY: Wait, are Zodiac any good?
But the song or the instruments didn’t make him freeze. It was the singer. She wasn’t exactly Miss America
IVEY: I'M ALREADY LAUGHING!!
but she was pretty and sang in this really good voice. She looked about fourteen or fifteen and had dark green eyes.
LONDON: LOLOLOLOLOL I’M DYING HERE. VALIDATE ME, TAYLOR!
“Whoa, they’re like, good, dude.”Ike (short of Isaac) said in his “Butthead’ voice. Ike was the most romantic in the group
LONDON: How do I follow up a B&B impersonation with a "He's so romantic" statement?
and he could do very accurate impersonations. He was about 5’11 and seventeen, with naturally wavy dark blonde hair and light brown eyes. He was obviously the guitar player.
“Hey, think the singer would go out with me?”Twelve year old Zac asked hopefully, his dark eyes shining. He was most hyper in the group, and definitely maintained that title. He had thick blonde hair and was about 5’3. He was the drummer, and it seemed to really fit his personality.
LONDON: Liz gets my leftovers.
Taylor was the keyboardist in the band, and he was about 5’8. He had shoulder length blonde hair and bright blue eyes. He was the shyest, and blushed whenever Zac embarrassed him, which was all the time, which was going to be soon.
“I think she’s a little old for you, Zac.”Ike smiled.
“Besides,”Taylor grinned. “Who’d ever go out with you?”Zac gave him a look and Taylor started laughing.
IVEY: And then they fucked!
Ike remarked, “But the keyboardist and the bass guitarist look more your age.”
Zac got up close to the TV to see. “Yeah, they’re pretty. The singer looks older. About fourteen or so.”He turned around and grinned mischievously. “Too old for me but perfect for Tay!”
Taylor felt his face getting hot. “Shut up, Zac.”He muttered.
“Am I right? Am I right?”Zac’s grin widened. “I am! You want her! You need her! You need to feel her body pressed against yours in a passionate embrace!”
Taylor wanted to strangle Zac with one of Ike’s guitar strings, but Ike would probably kill him if he did such a deed. With a tomato-red face, he shoved Zac, and Zac shoved him back. They began beating and shoving each other with Ike laughing hysterically. Suddenly, they heard their manager’s voice. “Zodiac’s good, aren’t they?”
They stopped fighting and stepped away from each other. Ike was trying not to laugh as he said, “Yeah, they’re real good.”
Taylor shrugged and stuck his hands in his pockets. “They’re okay.”
Zac laughed. “That’s not what you say about the singer! Oh no!”He began imitating Taylor and kissing his hand passionately. “Ah, my darling, your voice is like angels prancing on the clouds above! Your eyes, the color of the pine trees
IVEY: E! Meadowgreens!!
I used to fall out of, and your hair! Much softer then the pine trees I used to fall out of! Do not run from your emotions, my little “I Love You Truly’!”
LONDON: I really want to kill Zac here.
Ike was practically falling over, he was laughing so hard and their manager, Christopher Sabec,
LONDON: Eee! Remember him?
was also having a hard time keeping a straight face. Taylor, on the other hand, was ready to die with embarrassment. He was going to kill his brother. Seriously!
IVEY: LOL
He shoved Zac, but Zac was laughing too hard to care.
“Well, I’m glad to hear it, because you’re going on tour with them.”Mr. Sabec said.
The boys froze. Tour? With the famed Zodiac? No way! I mean, it didn’t even seem real. They were just talking about these people!
Even Zac was in shock. “Are you for real?”He asked suspiciously.
“Of course! I was afraid you never heard of them or you didn’t like them. Now I can see quite clearly that you do.”Mr. Sabec smiled knowingly at Taylor and Taylor blushed again. He continued. “Anyway, you’ll be touring with them for about five months. It’s going to be one of the biggest tours - Hanson and Zodiac, the two leading teen bands, on tour! So what do you guys think?”
"Oh, wow!”Zac began jumping up an down. “This will be so cool! I mean, Zodiac! That’s so awesome! Zodiac and Hanson - together! Wow!”He nudged Ike and Taylor. “Won’t this be neat? Huh? Huh? Won’t it? Won’t it?”
“Yes, already!”Ike agreed, laughing. “There! Was that the answer you wanted to hear?”
“Pretty much, yes.”Zac nodded. The brothers turned to Taylor. “What do you think, Tay? Should we?”
Taylor thought for a moment. Then he replied, “Yeah, we should do it.”Zac jumped up and cheered and Taylor couldn’t help but get excited. He just prayed Zac wouldn’t embarrass him. Then he shook his head. Please! That would be like asking for a miracle!
IVEY: I can't wait to see what happens!?!?! I hope there is a lot of blushing on Taylor's part and a lot of sarcasm and friendliness on London's behalf. AND! I hope Zac says more annoying things to embarrass everyone and most of all, I can't wait for the HOTTEST TEEN BANDS to sweep the nation. We need to start a band called "Hottest Teen Band".
2
“Ohmigod, ohmigod, ohmigod! Londonfie!”Liz was practically hyperventilating. She took London’s arm and shook it furiously. “We’re going to meet Hanson! Can you believe it? I mean, this is Hanson! Han-son! Ohmigod, this is HANSON!!!”
“Liz! For God’s sake, get a hold of yourself!”London said, pulling her arm away from her friend and looking at her like she was an alien.
LONDON: Because London is waaaaay too cool to freak out in front of her BFF. Admire her, everyone, because why not? She's so cool and self-composed!
IVEY: Of course!! Taylor always goes out with the least-impressed chick!
“Yeah, it’s just Hanson.”Ryan said, shrugging. He didn’t really care if they went on tour with Hanson or not (preferably not) - they could jump off a cliff and it just wouldn’t really matter to him.
LONDON: I do not approve of my boring metaphors!
“Just Hanson!?”Liz shrieked. “Are you crazy!”Now, she on the other hand, would most definitely care if they jumped off a cliff. She’d probably jump off after them screaming for them not to leave her.
Marie shrugged. “Probably, but not as crazy as you. But, however, I do understand where you’re coming from.”She sighed dreamily. “If only Leo was in a band…”She liked Hanson, but she liked Leo more.
LONDON: Really? Hadn't noticed.
“Does Liz, like, have to be hospitalized or something?”Shane asked, looking over his shoulder at the girls. They were all on a plane off to LA that Saturday, sitting in the first class section [NATCH]. It went three seats, an aisle, then three seats.
IVEY: LOL seating chart.
Shane and Ryan were sitting in front of the girls. London had the window seat, Liz sat in the middle, and Marie had the aisle seat. They were traveling with London and Ryan’s mom, Shane’s mother, Liz’s mother, and Marie’s father. Richard Stevens was also traveling with them. They were sitting in front of Ryan and Shane, talking about their successful children.
LONDON: LOL @ the parents having nothing better to talk about than Zodiac and how good they are!
“Of course she does,”London said cheerfully. “You know Liz.”
“Unfortunately.”Shane said cynically. He was a bit bitter, as you could see. Gag me! Of all bands to tour with we got stuck with Hanson! I was going to tell Mr. Stevens that he can go shove his ‘hottest teen bands’ tour’ up his ass when dumb Liz started squealing and running around like a pig in a slaughter house! He glared at her. I’ll get you, you Hanson Lover. Mark my words.
IVEY: Menacing!
Meanwhile, Liz began squealing over Zac’s hotness. She had a massive crush on him (duh) “Ohmigod, London, what will I say when I meet him? What will I say when I meet any of them? I mean, first impressions are so important!”She shrieked hysterically.
“Don’t worry, Liz, we’ll be touring with them for five months. In that time, I’m sure they’ll get to know all your other impressions.”London replied.
“Oh, God.”Shane rolled his eyes and turned his whole body around in the seat to face the girls. “They won’t last five months with Liz! Heck, by the end of the first day they’ll be out the door running for their sanity.”
Marie laughed. “Poor bitter Shane! Stuck touring with Hanson!”
“Yeah, really!”Shane complained. “I have better uses for my talents then to get stuck with a couple of pansies!”
IVEY: You're in a band called Zodiac with a bunch of girls... You're not all that far behind, dude!
“What talent?”London rolled her eyes and Marie laughed. Then London turned serious. “You better behave, Shane.”
Shane pretended to be shocked. “Why, London , I have no idea what you are speaking of!”
London grabbed his collar. “You know precisely what I’m speaking of!”
“Oh, yeah. I was just making a funny!”Shane tried to smile.
“Oh.”London let go. “Ha ha, very funny.”
LONDON: London is cool! And threatening! She makes boys crumble! I wish I could be her!
Suddenly, Liz screamed again. “Zac Hanson! I’m going to meet Zac Hanson! Ohmigod, Zac Hanson!”She began squirming in her seat. London drew away in horror and leaned toward the window.
Liz’s mother turned around to look back at her daughter. “Liz! Stop screaming!”Then she turned around again.
LONDON: Effective parenting.
London started laughing, “Oh, my God! Now, Liz, I know you have all these thoughts of Zac, but don’t start masturbating, okay?”Shane and London were hysterical, Liz was not amused.
IVEY: I'm rooting for London, fersher! She has so many charming qualities!
Marie gave Liz a strange look after London said that. “Um, oh God. Um, Ryan, will you trade seats with me?”
“Oh, how shall I put this? I got it: No way, no how, not in this lifetime!”Ryan yelled back, not looking up from his comic book. “There’s no way I’m sitting next to that cow Liz!”Marie pouted and brushed back a strand of her dark hair which had fallen from her up do.
Liz’s mouth fell open and she screamed, “I am not a cow!”She smacked the back of Ryan’s head.
LONDON: ::DIES:: I'm the worst BFF!
A stewardess came by and stopped at the girl’s seats. “Would you stop that infernal screaming?”She said empathetically, and covered her ears. Then she walked off.
London laughed. “Yeah,Liz, or we’ll have to sedate you again!”
“No, no, I have a better idea.”Shane said. “Why don’t we just open the emergency exit door and throw her out? I’m the sure the trip will be much more better without the cow on board.”Liz looked ready to kill him and Shane just smiled at her.
Marie giggled. “Shane, those doors are for emergencies!”
“And what do you call this? A Happy Screaming Fest?”Shane asked sarcastically. Marie and London laughed.
“Shane, this is a Happy Screaming Test.”London corrected. She grimaced.
IVEY: Oh God... I want everyone to die, plz.
“Wait until the real thing.”
Marie snorted and Shane groaned. “God help us.”He moaned.
* * *
“I’m gonna meet some chicks, some chicks, some chicks! I’m gonna meet some chicks…”Zac sang happily as searched the hotel room for his blue shirt. They flew out to LA the night before to meet Zodiac at the hotel.
“You always meet chicks, Zac!”Ike reminded him of their fans as he combed his hair.
IVEY: LOL @ Isaac combing his hair.
“Yeah, but they all love Taylor and you!”Zac pointed out unhappily.
LONDON: And Isaac? In what universe?
“What if the Zodiac girls love me and Ike?”Taylor asked, flopping on his bed, his hair wet from a shower. Truthfully, he couldn’t believe his fans went as crazy as they did over him! But, he didn’t really care if Zodiac were Hanson fans or not, just as long as they were nice and everybody all got along. Especially him and the singer. But back to putting Zac on the spot!
IVEY: LOL, yes, back to that, unidentified narrator!
“Not likely.”Ike shook his head and grinned. “They won’t like Tay, just me!”He struck a dramatic pose in the mirror.
LONDON: Please try to imagine Isaac striking a pose.
IVEY: It's as amazing as Taylor dancing with a girl from behind.
“Can you blame them?”He asked and his brothers laughed. Ike finished brushing his hair and went and sat by Taylor on his bed as Zac went into the bathroom. “I saw you looking at Zodiac web pages last night.”He teased Taylor.
“I just wanted to find out more about them.”Taylor said quickly, his face turning pink. “Is it such a sin?”
“It could be. Just kidding. Okay, okay. Well, did you find anything interesting out?”
Taylor nodded. “Yeah, I did. The singer is London and she’s the oldest at fourteen but she’s turning fifteen and she likes to write, hang with her friends, and party and stuff.
IVEY: This is a sentence I can totally see Taylor saying! "Party and stuff!"
Oh yeah, and singing. And she get this: she’s a Hanson fan!”Deep down inside, he supposed he was happy about that.
LONDON: Taylor must be a robot, because no real guy would ever say all that.
“Cool.”Ike nodded thoughtfully. “What about the others?”
“What others?”Taylor asked, obviously spaced out.
“The other Zodiac members.”Ike snapped his fingers in front of Taylor’s face and smirked. “Remember them, Lover Boy?”
Taylor pushed Ike’s hand away angrily. “Sorry, but I was tired and I only looked at her profile, which was listed first! Is that so wrong?”He stood up and began looking for his brush, hoping Ike didn’t see his red face.
LONDON: OMG! I think Taylor likes London!
IVEY: Her profile was listed first! Because she is the best4eva!
“Okay, okay! Don’t get all weird and defensive! Well, do you at least know their names and what they play?”Ike asked.
“Yeah, I think. There’s Ryan, Marie, Liz, and Shane. Ryan plays bass guitar, Shane (his best friend) plays lead guitar, Liz is London’s best friend and she plays keyboards, and then there’s Marie, who’s the bass guitarist. They’re all thirteen, but three of them just turned thirteen this summer.”
LONDON: I love this redundant redundancy!
“Great.”Ike rolled his eyes. “Watch all the thirteen year olds be hyper like Zac! The only people I’ll be able to talk to are you and London!”Then Ike wiggled his eyebrows. “Unless you two want to be alone.”He laughed.
“Come on, Ike!”Taylor was not amused. “Did I ever say I loved her passionately?”
“You just did.”Ike teased.
Taylor rolled his eyes. “Look, we’ll probably just be friends. That’s all.”By now, his face was bright red and his eyes looked even bluer.
Before Ike could say anything, Zac ran between them, still shirtless. “Where’s my shirt? Where’s my shirt?”He yelled frantically, flinging clothes everywhere.
“’Where’s Zac’s shirt?’”Ike sang to the tune of ‘Where’s The Love’, snapping his fingers. “’He’s a squirt! He makes me wanna scream, scream, scream, and…’”
LONDON: ::DIES:: some more!!!
IVEY: This is outstanding!
“Hey!”Zac yelled and whacked Ike on the back with his shirt he found under Taylor’s hotel bed. He pulled it over his head and then began walking around with one shoe on, looking for the other.
“Yo, Zac!”Taylor called, and tossed Zac his shoe which was sitting on top of the TV. But Zac spun around too late and the shoe whacked him in the nose.
Zac’s hands flew up to his nose and shoe fell to the floor. “Ow, my nose!”He yelped.
LONDON: Wacky antics!
Taylor laughed. “Now, you’ll never be a teen model.”He teased, quoting from the Brady Bunch movie.
IVEY: More 90sness!
Zac just glared at him and stomped off to the bathroom. “That’s the second time you did that, Tay! Just wait until I get a big ol’ rock to bash your nose with!”Ike and Taylor began laughing.
Just as he slammed the bathroom door shut, Mr. Hanson opened the door to his sons’ hotel room. Behind him was Mr. Sabec. He smiled at his sons and Mr. Sabec said, “Well, I’m going to go to the airport to greet Zodiac. Their plane is landing in an hour or so.”Ike and Taylor nodded anxiously.
Mr. Hanson looked around the room for Zac. “Hey, where’s Zac?”He asked.
“In the bathroom, pretending he’s Marcia Brady.”Taylor answered. Mr. Hanson turned around and gave him a strange look, but he and Ike were too busy laughing to notice it.
LONDON: Always end a chapter on a funny note!
3
“Oh my God, ten minutes until we land!”Liz squealed.
IVEY: CRASH, PLEASE!!!1
“All right!”Shane clapped his hands.
London’s eyebrows shot up in surprise. “What’s with the sudden change of opinion, Shaney Pooh?”London asked, using her nickname for him. “I thought you weren’t a fan of Hanson, if I am not mistaken.”
“I’m not.”He replied, then rubbed his hands together. “I just can’t wait to watch ALizsa make a fool out of herself in front of them!”He threw back his head and laughed evilly.
“I will not make a fool out of myself!”Liz retorted and bounced a hacky sack off his head.
“Hey! Asshole!”Shane snatched the hacky sack and threw it at Liz. She screamed.
London turned and gave Liz a pleading look. “Liz, please oh please oh please oh please don’t - oh, how can I put this in a way that won’t make my best friend feel bad?”
“Don’t be a jerk and don’t humiliate us all by your ceaseless seducing of Zac Hanson.”Ryan said bluntly. They all laughed.
“Um, in a way,”London agreed carefully.
LONDON: OMG!!!!! I’M A FUCKING BITCH!!!!
“Ryan…please,”Shane said. “No words with more then two syllables!”
“Hey, I got it from London!”Ryan pointed at his older sister.
LONDON: Because London is so smart! And has a big vocabulary! She uses words like "ceaseless", for God's sake!
Anyway, Liz agreed to and tried (tried and succeed are two completely different words) to calm down.
They all began talking about the stuff they wanted to do in LA. They were staying at a hotel for three days before the tour officially started. Shane wanted to go to Disneyland and ride every roller coaster until he puked. Ryan wanted to check out Six Flags Magic Mountain and go to the Hollywood Guinness World of Records. Marie wanted to check out the stars’ homes (translation: Leonardo DiCaprio’s house).
LONDON: I'm sorry I made you so one-dimensional, Marie!
Liz wanted to take a stroll on the beach, hand-in-hand with Zac (the boys pretended to puke). London wanted to…well, she wanted to do everything.
IVEY: LOL, London is so generic, if you think about it! Everyone else has little quirks and London just wants to do everything! I'm sad for her!
It’s so weird, London thought. We’re gonna be hanging out and touring with Hanson for five months. It’s just so unreal. Although she definitely didn’t want to flip out like Liz, she was furiously excited. She really liked Hanson, and she thought Taylor was seriously gorgeous. She just prayed she didn’t say anything stupid in front of them…or Liz said anything stupid in front of them that would take her down as well.
Just stay cool, calm, and collected, as always. Cool. Calm. Collected. She looked at her poor hyperventilating best friend and smothered a laugh. Unlike some people…!
Marie looked at her watch and squealed. “Oh! Oh! Three minutes before we land!”Liz shrieked hysterically and Zodiac prepared for the landing.
* * *
“Well, here we are! Pismo Beach!”Ryan said as he skipped off the plane, quoting Bugs Bunny. Ryan frowned at the airport. “Hey! This isn’t Pismo Beach! I should have taken that left turn at Albuquerque!”Shane laughed
IVEY: HAR HAR - I REALLY DID LAUGH!
and the band went over to the luggage rack to look for their suitcases. They weren’t wearing disguises because the airport wasn’t crowded at all.
IVEY: Disguises! I imagine Groucho Marx glasses/mustache!
“Hanson wrote ‘Man From Milwaukee’ in Albuquerque.”Liz remarked and everyone groaned. “What? I’m just stating.”
There must be something awesome about being in an airport at eleven o’ clock at night because the gang was hyper. They goofed off while they waited for their luggage to show up, pushing and shoving and joking.
IVEY: I wish I could hang out with them on the real, you guys.
Only Liz didn’t participate. She was scanning the airport for any of the Hanson members. She didn’t see Hanson but she saw a man holding a sign reading ‘Welcome Zodiac’.
Liz nudged London. “Hey, , that guy is looking for us.”She pointed him out.
“Hmmm.”London said. “I’ll ask Marco to check it out.”Marco was Zodiac’s bodyguard. He was a big guy, with dark hair, dark Ray Bans, and huge muscles.
Before they could ask Marco, Mr. Stevens went over to the man first and they talked for a while. Then Mr. Stevens came back and said, “He’s your chauffeur. He’s going to take you to the hotel where you will be staying.”
“Will Hanson be staying there, too?”Liz asked, trying to keep her voice calm.
“If your asking if you will be sharing a room with Zac Hanson, the answer is no, I doubt it.”Ryan said dryly, and they laughed, with the exception of Liz, who’s face turned red.
“Oh, just shut up. You don’t know me at all.”Liz said while she grabbed her suitcase as it went by.
“Oh, no, Liz.”Marie shook her head. “The thing is we know you too well!”London let out a laugh and Ryan and Shane snickered. Liz pouted.
“Everyone’s always picking on me!”She moaned.
LONDON: That's because everyone else is a dickhole! Liz should quit the band and screw everyone over!
IVEY: I hope Zac ends up being the only one who understands her!
“Oh, we feel your pain!”London teased dramatically and Liz broke into a smile.
When they gathered up their luggage, they went over to the chauffeur, who led them to a long, sleek silver limo. “You’ll ride in this one.”The chauffeur said. “And the black one behind it is for your parents.”
“Awesome!”Marie said, her breath taken away as the rest of the band clambered in the limo.
“Whoa, this is so chill!”Shane declared, getting excited for the first time. “There’s even a bar in here! Martini, anyone?”
“That’s not for you, dude.”Marco laughed and climbed up front with the driver.
“Darn,”Shane pouted.
LONDON: Some rock stars!
London laughed and nudged him in the shoulder as she sat down next to him. He finally laughed, too.
As soon as they all settled in, another man climbed in with them, with Richard Stevens behind him. Before they could even wonder about him, he introduced himself as Hanson’s manager, Christopher Sabec.
LONDON: LOLOLOL - The managers just spring out from everywhere.
He and Mr. Stevens told them everything they needed to know, for instance the Hanson members, their band positions (which everyone knew, duh!), and their schedules. By the time they got everything squared away, they were about five minutes from the hotel.
London had butterflies in her stomach. She tried to remain under control, hoping it was virtually possible.
* * *
Although it was eleven, Zac was bouncing off the walls. It was just something about it being eleven o’ clock in LA that made everyone excited. Taylor was feeling pretty giddy himself, but Ike was acting quite calm, flipping through an back issue of People
LONDON: ...wondering how much he'd have to pay the magazine to give a shit about him and his future 1,200 children.
IVEY: LOL - werd.
They were the only ones the lounge, where their manager told them to be, and Zac was passing the time by hopping from chair to chair and making funky sounds.
IVEY: Jesus Christ! We had no respect for that kid, I swear!
“Whoo hoo! Whoo hoo! Whoo hoo!”Zac cheered as he leaped from one chair to the other.
“Zac! Stop! Your getting footprints all over the chairs!”Taylor exclaimed.
Zac then leaped on Taylor’s lap. “But you love me anyway, right?”
“No! Get off me!”Taylor laughed, and shoved him off. Zac landed on the floor with a thud and pouted. “My, aren’t we pushy this evening!”
“Yes, we are.”Taylor said.
“You’re just nervous about meeting London !”Zac teased. “You’re praying I won’t say something that would embarrass you!”
“You better not.”Taylor said seriously.
“Who, me? Never!”Zac said innocently, batting his eyes. Then he laughed and began making kissing noises. “I would never do that to you, London Lover!”
Taylor leaped off the love seat he’d been sitting on and began chasing Zac around the lounge. Zac was shrieking, “You love her! You want her! You want to kiss her deeply on that love seat you were just sitting on! Whoo hoo! Whoo hoo! Tay-lor and London , sit-tin’ in a tree! K-I-S-S-I-N-G! First come luvvvv…Ahhh!”Taylor tackled him to the ground. “Help me! Help me! Ikey Pooh!”
IVEY: Oh God. I wish they would just fuck already!
“Huh?”Ike asked, looking up from an article on Fiona Apple.
IVEY: Topical!
He had been oblivious to the scene in front of him. Suddenly, he looked out the lounge’s bay window and saw a limo pull up. He said, “Hey! I think they’re here!”he jumped up and tossed the magazine on a table.
Taylor got up, but not before giving Zac a lethal look. Zac jumped to his feet and began waving out the window. “Hi! Hi!”
LONDON: WHAT WILL HAPPEN?!?!
IVEY: OOOOHHH GROUP SEX, PLZ!!!!
This is just proof that even the most awesome of the awesome have to start somewhere. That somewhere being, of course, the center of a steaming pile of dung.
NOTE: Please try not to throw up everywhere. Names have been changed to protect those who would otherwise be mortified.
You might have heard of Zodiac.
LONDON: I commend myself for this opening line. It's almost as good as "Call Me Ishmael".
Aside from Hanson, they are one of the leading teen bands
IVEY: Teen band!
around the world. They were burning up the charts with their singles
IVEY: Burning up the charts! I love all these buzz words.
“Crazy World", “Call Me" and, “Sunshine Moonshine".
LONDON: Please note that I actually wrote lyrics to these songs.
They all haven’t even reached 16 yet, any of them!
IVEY: Sounds like a band I want nothing to do with!
Then someone got a fabulous idea: have the two leading teen bands go on tour together! It was the great idea!
Perfect.
LONDON: I'm already loathing myself at this point.
IVEY: PERFECT! LOL. Who is the narrator here? I'm imagining Kasey Kasem re-telling your rise to fame like that episode of SBTB where KK is narrating "Zack Attack"'s success.
London
LONDON: Yes, I stuck myself in my own fucking fanfic, and I am a MARY SUE PERSONIFIED!
was rewinding her tape with old episodes of MAD TV on it. She narrowed her eyes at the VCR. “I swear, this VCR is the slowest thing in the whole entire world.”
IVEY: How '90s!
Liz, Ryan, and Shane were vegging out in her downstairs rec room; a large pizza was on the wooden coffee table. Liz was sitting on a bunch of pillows on the floor and Ryan and Shane were lounging on the large couch, eating the pizza like there was no tomorrow.
LONDON: This is the scene where we show the readers how likable and real these teen superstars are during their downtime!
IVEY: Everything's large!
“What’d you say, London?” Liz asked, tossing her hair over her shoulder.
But London wasn’t listening to her. “Guys! Stop eating all the pizza!” She yelled at the boys. “We girls need to eat, too!” Liz was only on her second piece but Ryan and Shane were on their fourths. She tried to take away Shane’s piece.
"Hey!” Shane shouted, snatching back his pizza. “Stop it! I can’t help it! I’m starving!”
“Yeah, London, seriously!” Ryan, her brother, added. “Give us a break! I mean, we just came back from Australia and you’re expecting us not to be hungry?”
IVEY: LOL. Like you trekked for days to get back to land...
Liz shook her head. “Males. Don’t try to figure “em out.”
“Don’t even go there.” London agreed, but she had to admit the guys were right. Their band, Zodiac, was in serious demand lately and they had hardly any time to breathe! It was mid-August, and the weather was just right in Pennsylvania - not too hot and humid but not cold. It felt good to be back home and to veg out, for however short it may be.
IVEY: I enjoy all the vegging!
London was the fourteen year old lead singer in Zodiac. She was the oldest of the group and was about 5’4, with dark green eyes. She liked to have fun and was sarcastic, funny, the group’s source of logic, friendly to almost everyone and usually energetic but now she was so tired she could hardly think about what she was doing.
LONDON: OMG! I'm such a fucking Mary Sue!
IVEY: You sound perfect for an unsuspecting rock star!
“Um, London...”Shane began carefully. “I thought you were rewinding the tape.” Shane was thirteen, with his light brown hair in a buzz cut and china blue eyes. He was sometimes serious, but he was basically goofy and he could go on for hours driving the band out of their minds with his incessant rambling. One way to shut him (or any male) up was to start playing Hanson’s music. He absolutely hated them! He plays the lead guitar.
LONDON: Ten years later, Shane in reel lyfe is a giant stoner with no life who would still never resort so low to be in a band called Zodiac.
“I am...”She trailed off and noticed she put it in fast forward. “Oops. Oh, damn.”She hit the rewind button and went to sit down next to Shane, who was now sitting between her and Ryan.
“She’s probably weird and confused because she didn’t have food yet.”Ryan said. Like we said, he was London’s brother and he was thirteen, weird, and obnoxious. He had brown hair in a buzz cut and hazel eyes. He played the drums and he and Shane were best friends. He waved the pizza in front of London’s face and tried to hypnotize her. “You are getting very hungry...very very hungry...”
“Ryan!”London pushed his hand away. “Get that thing away from me!”
“Fine, oh Embittered One.”Ryan said and took a bite out of the pizza. London rolled her eyes and hit the play button.
“What’s that lady who does the “Sha...you know what? Uh uh!’”Liz asked, hopping from one foot to another while eating a piece of pizza. She was thirteen and had long brown hair and dark brown eyes.
IVEY: So much brown hair! I want a token Asian or something.
She was most definitely the most hyper. She was loud and obnoxious and they all wanted to smack the crap her most of the time. But since London was her best friend, only she had the guts to hit her. She played the keyboards.
LONDON: I could cry.
“Oh! Oh! Oh! The Vancome Lady!”London smiled. “She is so funny.”
“I know. You told us about five hundred eight times.”Ryan mumbled, searching under the couch for the pepperoni piece he dropped.
Shane gave Liz a look of disgust as she continued to bounce while eating her pizza. “You’re gonna puke if you keep doing that.”
Liz opened her mouth and showed Shane her piece of pizza she crammed in there. “If I do, I’ll make sure to do it on you.”The two were at an endless war.
Before Shane could get up to hit Liz, Marie pranced downstairs. Marie was thirteen and she was London and Ryan’s cousin. She played bass guitar and had dark brown hair and hazel eyes. She was friendly and smart, and she was crazy about the movie William Shakespeare’s Romeo + Juliet (translation: Leonardo DiCaprio!) “Ladies and gentlemen!”
IVEY: YAY! 19974eva!!
“Lady? I don’t see a lady.”Shane joked. London picked up a throw pillow and pretended to smother Shane. “I was kidding! Kidding! Actually, I wasn’t talking about you, you’re as feminine as they come! I was talking about Liz! Liz, I tell you!”
“Oh. Well, then that’s okay.”London shrugged.
“HEY!”Liz shrieked and threw a pillow at Shane. “I am too a girl! Don’t be such a crap weasel!”
“Sure you’re a girl, Liz.”Shane said sarcastically. “That’s why you like that Zac Hanson chick.”Liz’s mouth fell open and she looked like she wanted to bash Ryan’s drums over his head.
“Anyway,”Marie intervened quickly, before World War III could break out. “I now give you...”She whipped out another large pizza from behind her back. “This beloved large, extra cheese, half pepperoni, half mushroom pizza.”
“Food!”Ryan and Shane exclaimed as Marie set it on the table in front of them. As the boys grabbed their gloppy pizza slices, the girls looked at each other and shrugged.
“Male thing.”The girls said at the same time and they laughed.
“Shane! What the heck?! That was my pepperoni slice!”Ryan exclaimed.
Shane shoved it in his mouth. “Oops, too bad. Well, here’s a mushroom slice.”
“I don’t want mushroom!”Ryan yelled at the top of his lungs.
“Ry, look how many more pepperoni there are!”London pointed out.
“Yeah, but I wanted that one!”Ryan pouted.
“Here, Ry.”Liz said, and picked off two pieces of pepperoni on Shane’s slice and threw it on Ryan’s mushroom one. “There.”
“Ahhhhh! Liz! What the heck?!”Shane yelled and shoved Liz. Liz shoved him back. They started fighting.
LONDON: I apologize for wasting your lives.
IVEY: This is amazing. I'm seeing a clock's hands wind in fast motion and flower buds are blooming and I think the birds' eggs outside just hatched...
Before any pizza was involved in the fight, Marie scooped up the pizza tray and stood up. “That’s it! I can’t stand watching you people eat! So I’m throwing out the pizza!”Marie was only joking, though. She knew she would get killed if she threw out precious pizza. She started to head up the stairs.
Liz, Shane, and Ryan froze. “You’re what?!”They jumped up and began racing after her. Marie shrieked and began running for dear life up the stairs.
London stood still at the bottom of the stairs and smiled. “She asked for it.”Then she ran up after the four.
She was surprised to see when she reached the kitchen that their manager, Richard Stevens, was standing there. Her band members were standing around, looking a lot saner then before. London looked at Mr. Stevens. “Hi,”She said.
“Hello!”Mr. Stevens was definitely a cheerful guy. “How’s the world’s hottest teenage band?”
“Please! Us?”Liz asked. “No way. Hanson is by far the hottest. I mean, their looks, of course, and their music...”The boys rolled their eyes. They were nauseous from hearing Liz drone on and on about wonderful Hanson. (They weren’t exactly the group’s biggest fans.)
“Um, we’re fine.”Marie replied.
“Liz just loves being modest.”London lied.
“She does?!”Ryan’s mouth fell open and he started laughing. London nudged him and he shut up.
“Well, Hanson is what I wanted to talk to you guys about.”Mr. Stevens said. “You’re touring with them.”
IVEY: OMGEEEEE!!!!11
“Get outta here.”Marie waved her hand breezily and rummaged through the refrigerator for a Diet Coke.
Liz sighed dreamily. “That’d be great, though.”Shane and Ryan pretended to throw up.
“Well, it’s true so it must be great.”Mr. Stevens shrugged.
They all froze and looked at him. “Are you for real?”Marie asked.
“If he is I’m gonna go hurl,”Shane said, paling.
No one said anything for a minute then Liz let out a piercing shriek and started jumping up and down. “We are! We are touring with Hanson! Oh my God! Oh my God!”
“Please say we aren’t. Please.”Ryan moaned.
“You’re touring with Hanson.”Mr. Stevens confirmed calmly. “I guess you’ve heard of them?”
IVEY: Wait.. LOL @ their manager just showing up in their kitchen.
“Uh, duh!”Liz and Marie were practically doing back flips in the kitchen.
“I hope you guys like them. They’re nice boys. The oldest is seventeen, and the other two are around your ages. You and Hanson will be touring for about five months or so. It’s going to be huge success - Zodiac and Hanson are the hottest teen bands in the world.”He smiled. “So what do you say?”
Liz and Marie screamed hysterically in response while hugging everybody about ten times. Shane and Ryan were now composing their will. London just stood there, frozen in shock. Oh my God...
Taylor Hanson and his brothers were hanging around backstage that Friday night. The pop group Hanson was doing another show and they were scheduled to go on in about an hour and half. Before they had to go practice, the brothers were hanging around watching MTV on someone’s portable TV.
The VJ, Carson Daly
IVEY: HAR HAR HAR WHO?!?!
, was introducing the next video. “And now here’s a video from one of the hottest teen bands. You might have heard their other hit singles “Sunshine, Moonshine’ and “Call Me’. I tell you, these teens are pretty good...and none of them reached sixteen yet! Here’s Zodiac with “Crazy World’.”
Zac had been throwing popcorn up and trying to catch it in his mouth. Trying to, that is - he was actually whacking himself in the face with the popcorn.
IVEY: Because he is ZANY!
But when he heard the word Zodiac, he began choking on a piece of popcorn (he finally caught one). “See? See?! That’s the band I’ve been trying to tell you about!”
“Zodiac?”Isaac asked, tuning his guitar.
“Yes!”Zac said impatiently. “And the scary thing is that they’re really, really, really good - they’re out to get us!”
“Sure, Zac.”Fifteen year old Taylor rolled his eyes. He didn’t really think that someone would go into music just to “get’ them - they should really love music. But Zac was right about one thing - they were really good. He was thinking about buying the CD - as soon as he found the time.
He focused back on the TV. This was his first time seeing any Zodiac video, even though they were in major demand! But they’ve been pretty busy themselves, and whenever they turned on MTV, Zodiac’s videos weren’t playing. But they were constantly on the radio, so that’s how he knew about them.
The band had five members, and the song was really good.
IVEY: Wait, are Zodiac any good?
But the song or the instruments didn’t make him freeze. It was the singer. She wasn’t exactly Miss America
IVEY: I'M ALREADY LAUGHING!!
but she was pretty and sang in this really good voice. She looked about fourteen or fifteen and had dark green eyes.
LONDON: LOLOLOLOLOL I’M DYING HERE. VALIDATE ME, TAYLOR!
“Whoa, they’re like, good, dude.”Ike (short of Isaac) said in his “Butthead’ voice. Ike was the most romantic in the group
LONDON: How do I follow up a B&B impersonation with a "He's so romantic" statement?
and he could do very accurate impersonations. He was about 5’11 and seventeen, with naturally wavy dark blonde hair and light brown eyes. He was obviously the guitar player.
“Hey, think the singer would go out with me?”Twelve year old Zac asked hopefully, his dark eyes shining. He was most hyper in the group, and definitely maintained that title. He had thick blonde hair and was about 5’3. He was the drummer, and it seemed to really fit his personality.
LONDON: Liz gets my leftovers.
Taylor was the keyboardist in the band, and he was about 5’8. He had shoulder length blonde hair and bright blue eyes. He was the shyest, and blushed whenever Zac embarrassed him, which was all the time, which was going to be soon.
“I think she’s a little old for you, Zac.”Ike smiled.
“Besides,”Taylor grinned. “Who’d ever go out with you?”Zac gave him a look and Taylor started laughing.
IVEY: And then they fucked!
Ike remarked, “But the keyboardist and the bass guitarist look more your age.”
Zac got up close to the TV to see. “Yeah, they’re pretty. The singer looks older. About fourteen or so.”He turned around and grinned mischievously. “Too old for me but perfect for Tay!”
Taylor felt his face getting hot. “Shut up, Zac.”He muttered.
“Am I right? Am I right?”Zac’s grin widened. “I am! You want her! You need her! You need to feel her body pressed against yours in a passionate embrace!”
Taylor wanted to strangle Zac with one of Ike’s guitar strings, but Ike would probably kill him if he did such a deed. With a tomato-red face, he shoved Zac, and Zac shoved him back. They began beating and shoving each other with Ike laughing hysterically. Suddenly, they heard their manager’s voice. “Zodiac’s good, aren’t they?”
They stopped fighting and stepped away from each other. Ike was trying not to laugh as he said, “Yeah, they’re real good.”
Taylor shrugged and stuck his hands in his pockets. “They’re okay.”
Zac laughed. “That’s not what you say about the singer! Oh no!”He began imitating Taylor and kissing his hand passionately. “Ah, my darling, your voice is like angels prancing on the clouds above! Your eyes, the color of the pine trees
IVEY: E! Meadowgreens!!
I used to fall out of, and your hair! Much softer then the pine trees I used to fall out of! Do not run from your emotions, my little “I Love You Truly’!”
LONDON: I really want to kill Zac here.
Ike was practically falling over, he was laughing so hard and their manager, Christopher Sabec,
LONDON: Eee! Remember him?
was also having a hard time keeping a straight face. Taylor, on the other hand, was ready to die with embarrassment. He was going to kill his brother. Seriously!
IVEY: LOL
He shoved Zac, but Zac was laughing too hard to care.
“Well, I’m glad to hear it, because you’re going on tour with them.”Mr. Sabec said.
The boys froze. Tour? With the famed Zodiac? No way! I mean, it didn’t even seem real. They were just talking about these people!
Even Zac was in shock. “Are you for real?”He asked suspiciously.
“Of course! I was afraid you never heard of them or you didn’t like them. Now I can see quite clearly that you do.”Mr. Sabec smiled knowingly at Taylor and Taylor blushed again. He continued. “Anyway, you’ll be touring with them for about five months. It’s going to be one of the biggest tours - Hanson and Zodiac, the two leading teen bands, on tour! So what do you guys think?”
"Oh, wow!”Zac began jumping up an down. “This will be so cool! I mean, Zodiac! That’s so awesome! Zodiac and Hanson - together! Wow!”He nudged Ike and Taylor. “Won’t this be neat? Huh? Huh? Won’t it? Won’t it?”
“Yes, already!”Ike agreed, laughing. “There! Was that the answer you wanted to hear?”
“Pretty much, yes.”Zac nodded. The brothers turned to Taylor. “What do you think, Tay? Should we?”
Taylor thought for a moment. Then he replied, “Yeah, we should do it.”Zac jumped up and cheered and Taylor couldn’t help but get excited. He just prayed Zac wouldn’t embarrass him. Then he shook his head. Please! That would be like asking for a miracle!
IVEY: I can't wait to see what happens!?!?! I hope there is a lot of blushing on Taylor's part and a lot of sarcasm and friendliness on London's behalf. AND! I hope Zac says more annoying things to embarrass everyone and most of all, I can't wait for the HOTTEST TEEN BANDS to sweep the nation. We need to start a band called "Hottest Teen Band".
“Ohmigod, ohmigod, ohmigod! Londonfie!”Liz was practically hyperventilating. She took London’s arm and shook it furiously. “We’re going to meet Hanson! Can you believe it? I mean, this is Hanson! Han-son! Ohmigod, this is HANSON!!!”
“Liz! For God’s sake, get a hold of yourself!”London said, pulling her arm away from her friend and looking at her like she was an alien.
LONDON: Because London is waaaaay too cool to freak out in front of her BFF. Admire her, everyone, because why not? She's so cool and self-composed!
IVEY: Of course!! Taylor always goes out with the least-impressed chick!
“Yeah, it’s just Hanson.”Ryan said, shrugging. He didn’t really care if they went on tour with Hanson or not (preferably not) - they could jump off a cliff and it just wouldn’t really matter to him.
LONDON: I do not approve of my boring metaphors!
“Just Hanson!?”Liz shrieked. “Are you crazy!”Now, she on the other hand, would most definitely care if they jumped off a cliff. She’d probably jump off after them screaming for them not to leave her.
Marie shrugged. “Probably, but not as crazy as you. But, however, I do understand where you’re coming from.”She sighed dreamily. “If only Leo was in a band…”She liked Hanson, but she liked Leo more.
LONDON: Really? Hadn't noticed.
“Does Liz, like, have to be hospitalized or something?”Shane asked, looking over his shoulder at the girls. They were all on a plane off to LA that Saturday, sitting in the first class section [NATCH]. It went three seats, an aisle, then three seats.
IVEY: LOL seating chart.
Shane and Ryan were sitting in front of the girls. London had the window seat, Liz sat in the middle, and Marie had the aisle seat. They were traveling with London and Ryan’s mom, Shane’s mother, Liz’s mother, and Marie’s father. Richard Stevens was also traveling with them. They were sitting in front of Ryan and Shane, talking about their successful children.
LONDON: LOL @ the parents having nothing better to talk about than Zodiac and how good they are!
“Of course she does,”London said cheerfully. “You know Liz.”
“Unfortunately.”Shane said cynically. He was a bit bitter, as you could see. Gag me! Of all bands to tour with we got stuck with Hanson! I was going to tell Mr. Stevens that he can go shove his ‘hottest teen bands’ tour’ up his ass when dumb Liz started squealing and running around like a pig in a slaughter house! He glared at her. I’ll get you, you Hanson Lover. Mark my words.
IVEY: Menacing!
Meanwhile, Liz began squealing over Zac’s hotness. She had a massive crush on him (duh) “Ohmigod, London, what will I say when I meet him? What will I say when I meet any of them? I mean, first impressions are so important!”She shrieked hysterically.
“Don’t worry, Liz, we’ll be touring with them for five months. In that time, I’m sure they’ll get to know all your other impressions.”London replied.
“Oh, God.”Shane rolled his eyes and turned his whole body around in the seat to face the girls. “They won’t last five months with Liz! Heck, by the end of the first day they’ll be out the door running for their sanity.”
Marie laughed. “Poor bitter Shane! Stuck touring with Hanson!”
“Yeah, really!”Shane complained. “I have better uses for my talents then to get stuck with a couple of pansies!”
IVEY: You're in a band called Zodiac with a bunch of girls... You're not all that far behind, dude!
“What talent?”London rolled her eyes and Marie laughed. Then London turned serious. “You better behave, Shane.”
Shane pretended to be shocked. “Why, London , I have no idea what you are speaking of!”
London grabbed his collar. “You know precisely what I’m speaking of!”
“Oh, yeah. I was just making a funny!”Shane tried to smile.
“Oh.”London let go. “Ha ha, very funny.”
LONDON: London is cool! And threatening! She makes boys crumble! I wish I could be her!
Suddenly, Liz screamed again. “Zac Hanson! I’m going to meet Zac Hanson! Ohmigod, Zac Hanson!”She began squirming in her seat. London drew away in horror and leaned toward the window.
Liz’s mother turned around to look back at her daughter. “Liz! Stop screaming!”Then she turned around again.
LONDON: Effective parenting.
London started laughing, “Oh, my God! Now, Liz, I know you have all these thoughts of Zac, but don’t start masturbating, okay?”Shane and London were hysterical, Liz was not amused.
IVEY: I'm rooting for London, fersher! She has so many charming qualities!
Marie gave Liz a strange look after London said that. “Um, oh God. Um, Ryan, will you trade seats with me?”
“Oh, how shall I put this? I got it: No way, no how, not in this lifetime!”Ryan yelled back, not looking up from his comic book. “There’s no way I’m sitting next to that cow Liz!”Marie pouted and brushed back a strand of her dark hair which had fallen from her up do.
Liz’s mouth fell open and she screamed, “I am not a cow!”She smacked the back of Ryan’s head.
LONDON: ::DIES:: I'm the worst BFF!
A stewardess came by and stopped at the girl’s seats. “Would you stop that infernal screaming?”She said empathetically, and covered her ears. Then she walked off.
London laughed. “Yeah,Liz, or we’ll have to sedate you again!”
“No, no, I have a better idea.”Shane said. “Why don’t we just open the emergency exit door and throw her out? I’m the sure the trip will be much more better without the cow on board.”Liz looked ready to kill him and Shane just smiled at her.
Marie giggled. “Shane, those doors are for emergencies!”
“And what do you call this? A Happy Screaming Fest?”Shane asked sarcastically. Marie and London laughed.
“Shane, this is a Happy Screaming Test.”London corrected. She grimaced.
IVEY: Oh God... I want everyone to die, plz.
“Wait until the real thing.”
Marie snorted and Shane groaned. “God help us.”He moaned.
“I’m gonna meet some chicks, some chicks, some chicks! I’m gonna meet some chicks…”Zac sang happily as searched the hotel room for his blue shirt. They flew out to LA the night before to meet Zodiac at the hotel.
“You always meet chicks, Zac!”Ike reminded him of their fans as he combed his hair.
IVEY: LOL @ Isaac combing his hair.
“Yeah, but they all love Taylor and you!”Zac pointed out unhappily.
LONDON: And Isaac? In what universe?
“What if the Zodiac girls love me and Ike?”Taylor asked, flopping on his bed, his hair wet from a shower. Truthfully, he couldn’t believe his fans went as crazy as they did over him! But, he didn’t really care if Zodiac were Hanson fans or not, just as long as they were nice and everybody all got along. Especially him and the singer. But back to putting Zac on the spot!
IVEY: LOL, yes, back to that, unidentified narrator!
“Not likely.”Ike shook his head and grinned. “They won’t like Tay, just me!”He struck a dramatic pose in the mirror.
LONDON: Please try to imagine Isaac striking a pose.
IVEY: It's as amazing as Taylor dancing with a girl from behind.
“Can you blame them?”He asked and his brothers laughed. Ike finished brushing his hair and went and sat by Taylor on his bed as Zac went into the bathroom. “I saw you looking at Zodiac web pages last night.”He teased Taylor.
“I just wanted to find out more about them.”Taylor said quickly, his face turning pink. “Is it such a sin?”
“It could be. Just kidding. Okay, okay. Well, did you find anything interesting out?”
Taylor nodded. “Yeah, I did. The singer is London and she’s the oldest at fourteen but she’s turning fifteen and she likes to write, hang with her friends, and party and stuff.
IVEY: This is a sentence I can totally see Taylor saying! "Party and stuff!"
Oh yeah, and singing. And she get this: she’s a Hanson fan!”Deep down inside, he supposed he was happy about that.
LONDON: Taylor must be a robot, because no real guy would ever say all that.
“Cool.”Ike nodded thoughtfully. “What about the others?”
“What others?”Taylor asked, obviously spaced out.
“The other Zodiac members.”Ike snapped his fingers in front of Taylor’s face and smirked. “Remember them, Lover Boy?”
Taylor pushed Ike’s hand away angrily. “Sorry, but I was tired and I only looked at her profile, which was listed first! Is that so wrong?”He stood up and began looking for his brush, hoping Ike didn’t see his red face.
LONDON: OMG! I think Taylor likes London!
IVEY: Her profile was listed first! Because she is the best4eva!
“Okay, okay! Don’t get all weird and defensive! Well, do you at least know their names and what they play?”Ike asked.
“Yeah, I think. There’s Ryan, Marie, Liz, and Shane. Ryan plays bass guitar, Shane (his best friend) plays lead guitar, Liz is London’s best friend and she plays keyboards, and then there’s Marie, who’s the bass guitarist. They’re all thirteen, but three of them just turned thirteen this summer.”
LONDON: I love this redundant redundancy!
“Great.”Ike rolled his eyes. “Watch all the thirteen year olds be hyper like Zac! The only people I’ll be able to talk to are you and London!”Then Ike wiggled his eyebrows. “Unless you two want to be alone.”He laughed.
“Come on, Ike!”Taylor was not amused. “Did I ever say I loved her passionately?”
“You just did.”Ike teased.
Taylor rolled his eyes. “Look, we’ll probably just be friends. That’s all.”By now, his face was bright red and his eyes looked even bluer.
Before Ike could say anything, Zac ran between them, still shirtless. “Where’s my shirt? Where’s my shirt?”He yelled frantically, flinging clothes everywhere.
“’Where’s Zac’s shirt?’”Ike sang to the tune of ‘Where’s The Love’, snapping his fingers. “’He’s a squirt! He makes me wanna scream, scream, scream, and…’”
LONDON: ::DIES:: some more!!!
IVEY: This is outstanding!
“Hey!”Zac yelled and whacked Ike on the back with his shirt he found under Taylor’s hotel bed. He pulled it over his head and then began walking around with one shoe on, looking for the other.
“Yo, Zac!”Taylor called, and tossed Zac his shoe which was sitting on top of the TV. But Zac spun around too late and the shoe whacked him in the nose.
Zac’s hands flew up to his nose and shoe fell to the floor. “Ow, my nose!”He yelped.
LONDON: Wacky antics!
Taylor laughed. “Now, you’ll never be a teen model.”He teased, quoting from the Brady Bunch movie.
IVEY: More 90sness!
Zac just glared at him and stomped off to the bathroom. “That’s the second time you did that, Tay! Just wait until I get a big ol’ rock to bash your nose with!”Ike and Taylor began laughing.
Just as he slammed the bathroom door shut, Mr. Hanson opened the door to his sons’ hotel room. Behind him was Mr. Sabec. He smiled at his sons and Mr. Sabec said, “Well, I’m going to go to the airport to greet Zodiac. Their plane is landing in an hour or so.”Ike and Taylor nodded anxiously.
Mr. Hanson looked around the room for Zac. “Hey, where’s Zac?”He asked.
“In the bathroom, pretending he’s Marcia Brady.”Taylor answered. Mr. Hanson turned around and gave him a strange look, but he and Ike were too busy laughing to notice it.
LONDON: Always end a chapter on a funny note!
“Oh my God, ten minutes until we land!”Liz squealed.
IVEY: CRASH, PLEASE!!!1
“All right!”Shane clapped his hands.
London’s eyebrows shot up in surprise. “What’s with the sudden change of opinion, Shaney Pooh?”London asked, using her nickname for him. “I thought you weren’t a fan of Hanson, if I am not mistaken.”
“I’m not.”He replied, then rubbed his hands together. “I just can’t wait to watch ALizsa make a fool out of herself in front of them!”He threw back his head and laughed evilly.
“I will not make a fool out of myself!”Liz retorted and bounced a hacky sack off his head.
“Hey! Asshole!”Shane snatched the hacky sack and threw it at Liz. She screamed.
London turned and gave Liz a pleading look. “Liz, please oh please oh please oh please don’t - oh, how can I put this in a way that won’t make my best friend feel bad?”
“Don’t be a jerk and don’t humiliate us all by your ceaseless seducing of Zac Hanson.”Ryan said bluntly. They all laughed.
“Um, in a way,”London agreed carefully.
LONDON: OMG!!!!! I’M A FUCKING BITCH!!!!
“Ryan…please,”Shane said. “No words with more then two syllables!”
“Hey, I got it from London!”Ryan pointed at his older sister.
LONDON: Because London is so smart! And has a big vocabulary! She uses words like "ceaseless", for God's sake!
Anyway, Liz agreed to and tried (tried and succeed are two completely different words) to calm down.
They all began talking about the stuff they wanted to do in LA. They were staying at a hotel for three days before the tour officially started. Shane wanted to go to Disneyland and ride every roller coaster until he puked. Ryan wanted to check out Six Flags Magic Mountain and go to the Hollywood Guinness World of Records. Marie wanted to check out the stars’ homes (translation: Leonardo DiCaprio’s house).
LONDON: I'm sorry I made you so one-dimensional, Marie!
Liz wanted to take a stroll on the beach, hand-in-hand with Zac (the boys pretended to puke). London wanted to…well, she wanted to do everything.
IVEY: LOL, London is so generic, if you think about it! Everyone else has little quirks and London just wants to do everything! I'm sad for her!
It’s so weird, London thought. We’re gonna be hanging out and touring with Hanson for five months. It’s just so unreal. Although she definitely didn’t want to flip out like Liz, she was furiously excited. She really liked Hanson, and she thought Taylor was seriously gorgeous. She just prayed she didn’t say anything stupid in front of them…or Liz said anything stupid in front of them that would take her down as well.
Just stay cool, calm, and collected, as always. Cool. Calm. Collected. She looked at her poor hyperventilating best friend and smothered a laugh. Unlike some people…!
Marie looked at her watch and squealed. “Oh! Oh! Three minutes before we land!”Liz shrieked hysterically and Zodiac prepared for the landing.
“Well, here we are! Pismo Beach!”Ryan said as he skipped off the plane, quoting Bugs Bunny. Ryan frowned at the airport. “Hey! This isn’t Pismo Beach! I should have taken that left turn at Albuquerque!”Shane laughed
IVEY: HAR HAR - I REALLY DID LAUGH!
and the band went over to the luggage rack to look for their suitcases. They weren’t wearing disguises because the airport wasn’t crowded at all.
IVEY: Disguises! I imagine Groucho Marx glasses/mustache!
“Hanson wrote ‘Man From Milwaukee’ in Albuquerque.”Liz remarked and everyone groaned. “What? I’m just stating.”
There must be something awesome about being in an airport at eleven o’ clock at night because the gang was hyper. They goofed off while they waited for their luggage to show up, pushing and shoving and joking.
IVEY: I wish I could hang out with them on the real, you guys.
Only Liz didn’t participate. She was scanning the airport for any of the Hanson members. She didn’t see Hanson but she saw a man holding a sign reading ‘Welcome Zodiac’.
Liz nudged London. “Hey, , that guy is looking for us.”She pointed him out.
“Hmmm.”London said. “I’ll ask Marco to check it out.”Marco was Zodiac’s bodyguard. He was a big guy, with dark hair, dark Ray Bans, and huge muscles.
Before they could ask Marco, Mr. Stevens went over to the man first and they talked for a while. Then Mr. Stevens came back and said, “He’s your chauffeur. He’s going to take you to the hotel where you will be staying.”
“Will Hanson be staying there, too?”Liz asked, trying to keep her voice calm.
“If your asking if you will be sharing a room with Zac Hanson, the answer is no, I doubt it.”Ryan said dryly, and they laughed, with the exception of Liz, who’s face turned red.
“Oh, just shut up. You don’t know me at all.”Liz said while she grabbed her suitcase as it went by.
“Oh, no, Liz.”Marie shook her head. “The thing is we know you too well!”London let out a laugh and Ryan and Shane snickered. Liz pouted.
“Everyone’s always picking on me!”She moaned.
LONDON: That's because everyone else is a dickhole! Liz should quit the band and screw everyone over!
IVEY: I hope Zac ends up being the only one who understands her!
“Oh, we feel your pain!”London teased dramatically and Liz broke into a smile.
When they gathered up their luggage, they went over to the chauffeur, who led them to a long, sleek silver limo. “You’ll ride in this one.”The chauffeur said. “And the black one behind it is for your parents.”
“Awesome!”Marie said, her breath taken away as the rest of the band clambered in the limo.
“Whoa, this is so chill!”Shane declared, getting excited for the first time. “There’s even a bar in here! Martini, anyone?”
“That’s not for you, dude.”Marco laughed and climbed up front with the driver.
“Darn,”Shane pouted.
LONDON: Some rock stars!
London laughed and nudged him in the shoulder as she sat down next to him. He finally laughed, too.
As soon as they all settled in, another man climbed in with them, with Richard Stevens behind him. Before they could even wonder about him, he introduced himself as Hanson’s manager, Christopher Sabec.
LONDON: LOLOLOL - The managers just spring out from everywhere.
He and Mr. Stevens told them everything they needed to know, for instance the Hanson members, their band positions (which everyone knew, duh!), and their schedules. By the time they got everything squared away, they were about five minutes from the hotel.
London had butterflies in her stomach. She tried to remain under control, hoping it was virtually possible.
Although it was eleven, Zac was bouncing off the walls. It was just something about it being eleven o’ clock in LA that made everyone excited. Taylor was feeling pretty giddy himself, but Ike was acting quite calm, flipping through an back issue of People
LONDON: ...wondering how much he'd have to pay the magazine to give a shit about him and his future 1,200 children.
IVEY: LOL - werd.
They were the only ones the lounge, where their manager told them to be, and Zac was passing the time by hopping from chair to chair and making funky sounds.
IVEY: Jesus Christ! We had no respect for that kid, I swear!
“Whoo hoo! Whoo hoo! Whoo hoo!”Zac cheered as he leaped from one chair to the other.
“Zac! Stop! Your getting footprints all over the chairs!”Taylor exclaimed.
Zac then leaped on Taylor’s lap. “But you love me anyway, right?”
“No! Get off me!”Taylor laughed, and shoved him off. Zac landed on the floor with a thud and pouted. “My, aren’t we pushy this evening!”
“Yes, we are.”Taylor said.
“You’re just nervous about meeting London !”Zac teased. “You’re praying I won’t say something that would embarrass you!”
“You better not.”Taylor said seriously.
“Who, me? Never!”Zac said innocently, batting his eyes. Then he laughed and began making kissing noises. “I would never do that to you, London Lover!”
Taylor leaped off the love seat he’d been sitting on and began chasing Zac around the lounge. Zac was shrieking, “You love her! You want her! You want to kiss her deeply on that love seat you were just sitting on! Whoo hoo! Whoo hoo! Tay-lor and London , sit-tin’ in a tree! K-I-S-S-I-N-G! First come luvvvv…Ahhh!”Taylor tackled him to the ground. “Help me! Help me! Ikey Pooh!”
IVEY: Oh God. I wish they would just fuck already!
“Huh?”Ike asked, looking up from an article on Fiona Apple.
IVEY: Topical!
He had been oblivious to the scene in front of him. Suddenly, he looked out the lounge’s bay window and saw a limo pull up. He said, “Hey! I think they’re here!”he jumped up and tossed the magazine on a table.
Taylor got up, but not before giving Zac a lethal look. Zac jumped to his feet and began waving out the window. “Hi! Hi!”
LONDON: WHAT WILL HAPPEN?!?!
IVEY: OOOOHHH GROUP SEX, PLZ!!!!
